Anxiety is for the birds...

Pic has nothing to do with this post - this is us today before our Thanksgiving meal at a local restaurant called Gibbet Hill.

I have an anxiety disorder. I know I've talked about this in the past. I see a therapist, but I don't take medication. Most of the time, while my anxiety is always lurking, I can control it with distraction. Sometimes, it just gets very, very bad and causes health issues. Which is where I am right now.

I am working a day job that makes me physically sick at times. I've sat in my car in the morning crying, forcing myself to get out of the car and go into work. I pretty much just hate it. It's a long story and I don't think the details of it are necessary. The main information you need is that this job is causing my anxiety to skyrocket.

So much so, that I'm having physical ailments, body aches, panic attacks, feeling like my throat is closing in, flu like symptoms, numbness in my arms, hands, feet. It's also causing my usual mom paranoia to go to extreme levels. Right now, every time Austin walks down the stairs, I visualize him falling and cracking his head open. Every time he eats food, I visualize him choking to death. It's kind of like Final Destination - where I can see an accident happening in my head and therefor I panic because I truly think it's about to happen.

I won't use anxiety medication because of a few reasons. I used to be on Paxil and not only did it make me gain weight, withdrawing from it was a living hell. I have a prescription for Ativan for panic attacks - I've used it once for an attack I couldn't seem to stop, and once before a biopsy that was terrifying me last year (they found a lump in my breast - turned out to be nothing serious, but that was the worst two weeks of my life waiting for those results). But thinking about taking anxiety meds like Ativan make me even more anxious, because I worry about not being in complete control of my body. I worry I'll have an allergic reaction (even to things I have taken before - I've recently become terrified of Aleve though I've taken that off and on my entire life).

I recently injured my back and several people suggested muscle relaxers. But I am afraid my throat will relax too much and I won't be able to breathe. It just really sucks always being afraid.

I worry about ridiculous things. I felt cold and lightheaded a few days ago and someone mentioned that I could have the flu and I immediately asked Brad what if I get the flu and I die? What normal person jumps to the worse possible conclusion every single time? I get pains in my legs and fear I have a blood clot. And that happens on a normal day with my anxiety - every pain I think is something serious. Now add the day job I'm super anxious about and you can imagine what life is like for me right now.

My job is supposed to end at the end of 2017, in just about 22 working days. I recently got a note casually mentioning talking about me staying longer because they need me - and I wrote back informing them that I had no intention of staying. I need to be done. My physical and mental health cannot take being there any longer than I have agreed to already.

I am looking forward to 2018. A new year. A completely fresh start. I'm even considering starting a 2018 Project Life album as a way to get back into the hobby I used to love - scrapbooking. Life these past two years has been completely insane in good ways and in bad ways, and I can't wait to begin a brand new year, calm my anxiety, and figure out where to go next.

2 comments:

  1. For most people Cognitive Behavioral Therapy with some DBT can greatly, greatly relieve this. I feel so sorry that you are living this way. I think it might be time for a new therapist if the old has not been able to help you at least 80%.

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    1. Oh my therapist is awesome. She knows I don't want medication so she works with me in a more conversational way. For me having a neutral person to talk situations over with helps me immensely. I love my therapist.

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