I think I'm suffering from some sort of depression. To what extent, I don't know. I'm not a therapist, I can't self diagnose. But a lot of the things I've been feeling lately lead me to the obvious conclusion that I'm depressed. My husband and baby couldn't be more perfect. We have a good home, I have a good job, and I have a small group of really amazing friends. There's nothing really "missing." But I'm feeling incredibly unhappy with myself, and I want to change that. I'm not sure that my 2012 plan for losing weight and making time for things is going to fix the problem. I think I really need to talk to someone.
I don't want to go into detail, but I've had some not so pleasant thoughts lately (nothing suicidal - I'm too afraid to die for something like that) and I know it isn't healthy, so I'd like to talk with someone that could hopefully bring me out of this "funk." So, I'm looking into working with a therapist. I've left a message for a local practice for an appointment.
I find myself crying often. I feel sorry for myself and self-conscious about what other people are thinking too often. I take every whisper I hear from my co-worker's or lunches that I'm not invited to join in on personally. I'm always tired. I don't want to get out of bed - I even hope that when I hear Austin fussing in the morning that he'll just go back to sleep because I don't want to get up and face the day.
I feel disrespected, sometimes, when I try to explain my point of view. I feel often that my voice isn't strong enough. That their opinion or feelings on an issue trump mine. Maybe they do, maybe they don't. Maybe I'm just viewing situations all wonky.
But I know something's not right with me, inside my head. And I am starting to realize it can't be fixed without some outside help.