Identity


Sometimes, I feel like my identity is the “I used to be pregnant” girl.

Not that anyone else makes me feel that way. But I think sometimes, my mind thinks that way. I guess because over a year of my life was consumed with trying to get pregnant, being pregnant, and recovering from a c-section. Plus, the pregnancy was really long – over 41 weeks. So sometimes I catch myself still feeling..well…pregnant.

This is hard to describe, so here’s a couple of examples. I have a headache, and reach for Tylenol, thinking I can’t take something else. Not because I am thinking I’m pregnant, but that I think I used to BE pregnant and that’s all I could take when I was pregnant. Or, now that the holidays are upon us, I keep thinking about how last year I was pregnant and it’s this huge impact that this year I won’t be.

Like everything I can now do that I couldn’t then is just SO big and huge! I can drink again! I have periods again. I get nauseated from things other than morning sickness. Everything I do, I keep thinking about what life was like while pregnant.

I don’t even know if any of this makes sense. It’s not like I’m Michelle Duggar, who has spent like, 13 years being pregnant or something crazy like that. It was just 41 weeks of my 30+ year life. Why can’t I mentally just move on?

Along these lines, I find myself missing the hospital, missing being pregnant. Not that I want to be pregnant again or have another baby, I’m so over that it’s not even funny, but it is almost like…missing the past. Even sometimes unpleasant parts of the past. Like my condo. I don’t want to live there anymore, but I still miss it sometimes. High school. I don’t want to relive it, but I miss those days sometimes.

I feel like the pregnancy became my identity and I’m having a hard time letting that go. Does anyone else understand this?

2 comments:

  1. I am very fearful that my life will be the same way if/when I ever am "thin". I don't think the fat-girl mentality will ever wear off. And though I have spent more time being overweight than you were pregnant, I think being pregnant is such a HUGE huge impact on your life, that the footprint is equally as big on who you are.

    Before you were trying to get pregnant, you were the girl-who-was-getting-married. And then you got married, and you felt the same nostalgia and sadness when it was over. Just like with being pregnant and having Austin.
    Basically, I don't think you're nuts at all. I think these enormous life changes that you go through are all-consuming and pretty dang hard to move on from. But I think over time you won't feel this way. Though you will maintain the nostalgia and tinge of sadness that its not your life anymore, because.. well, that's what memories and history and LIFE is all about! :-)

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  2. That is a really good point, about the girl-who-was-getting-married thing. And I can understand your fear, totally. It's not like you can really ever forget about it, even when you hit your goal weight. You can't just all of a sudden live like a lifelong skinny chick without being conscious of what you eat and your exercise and stuff. It'll always be a part of you, so I think that might even be MORE of an identity struggle than this pregnant thing...

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