A lot of you think I take on too much. Hell, I think I take on too much. But here's a secret: it isn't always that I want to try/do all this stuff and do it all right now. Sometimes...I just need the distraction from my own inner thoughts. They keep me from getting down about the heavy stuff. Not that my life has problems. I realize that I am incredibly lucky to have a wonderful husband and a healthy, happy baby and a nice house and good job and all that. But I am a negative person. I focus and dwell on the bad stuff.
The power outage kept me busy, kept me distracted. But last night I went to bed and my thoughts drifted to Gizmo and I just cried and cried. It's been a week and a half, I should have done my grieving already, and I think I have, but I think about him and miss him and I just can't stop the tears.
Putting Gizmo aside, my mind, daily, is filled with worries and fears and sadness. I actually get upset on a regular basis that I'm 30, that Brad is 42, that we're that much closer to our inevitable death. What an awful, awful thing to think about, but I do. Instead of focusing on how awesome my life is right now and the fun things I'm doing, my mind is worrying about getting cancer or getting in a plane crash. I'm not kidding - this is my constant inner struggle. So keeping myself constantly busy doesn't give me time to have these thoughts.
Because I really want to slow down next year, I am going to have to find a way to push this negativity out of my mind. Maybe there's some self-help book out there that can give me some insight on how to start focusing more on the positives.