A lot of you think I take on too much. Hell, I think I take on too much. But here's a secret: it isn't always that I want to try/do all this stuff and do it all right now. Sometimes...I just need the distraction from my own inner thoughts. They keep me from getting down about the heavy stuff. Not that my life has problems. I realize that I am incredibly lucky to have a wonderful husband and a healthy, happy baby and a nice house and good job and all that. But I am a negative person. I focus and dwell on the bad stuff.

The power outage kept me busy, kept me distracted. But last night I went to bed and my thoughts drifted to Gizmo and I just cried and cried. It's been a week and a half, I should have done my grieving already, and I think I have, but I think about him and miss him and I just can't stop the tears.

Putting Gizmo aside, my mind, daily, is filled with worries and fears and sadness. I actually get upset on a regular basis that I'm 30, that Brad is 42, that we're that much closer to our inevitable death. What an awful, awful thing to think about, but I do. Instead of focusing on how awesome my life is right now and the fun things I'm doing, my mind is worrying about getting cancer or getting in a plane crash. I'm not kidding - this is my constant inner struggle. So keeping myself constantly busy doesn't give me time to have these thoughts.

Because I really want to slow down next year, I am going to have to find a way to push this negativity out of my mind. Maybe there's some self-help book out there that can give me some insight on how to start focusing more on the positives.


  1. Why do you think you should be over the grieving process? I mean, you lost a part of your family... that should be more than enough reason to grieve his death for however long it takes, not however long anyone else "feels" it necessary. <3

    I'm the same way as you when it comes to distractions. Since I have some OCD-related issues, I feel like I have to keep busy at all times to keep thoughts at bay. Nighttime is always the worst. That's when the death-related thoughts come in, too, and they're just... really, brain? Really?!

    I'm so sorry you're dealing with this... it's no fun at all, and so far, I haven't really found a way to combat it. :( But I'm always here in case you want to talk! <3

  2. Oh, I don't know, I just kinda am thinking, why do the sadness and the tears keep popping up? It's like, in my head, I'm thinking "we've been through this already, you cried, you said goodbye, you should move on," but I can't yet.

    Anyway, yes, exactly, that's exactly what I mean about the distractions. Easier to keep busy and focused on something else than to lie there and think about the ugly stuff.

  3. Don't worry about that lingering grief for Gizmo. My first "my" cat, Copernicus, died nearly two years ago, and I had crying jags for over two weeks. I never knew I could get that attached to a cat. You know what? I don't cry anymore, but I do have moments of sadness from time to time about his death. So, what you're going through is completely normal. Just let it be. I hope you feel better soon.

  4. I "ditto" what the others said about Gizmo. You had him for more than half your life! You can't be finished grieving that quickly.

    But as for the other stuff... It really kills me to know how much you worry and stress, when like you said, there is so much you have to be grateful for. And I don't think you take it for granted at all. I don't think you don't appreciate the wonderful family you have... I think you just can't shut your brain off. It's just who you are, and you're dealing with it the best way you know how, which is by preoccupying yourself.

    I do think, though, that you should consider the meds, or therapy, or something else that would help you combat the anxiety. Because all you want to do right now is slow down and enjoy your child and your life, and your brain won't let you do that. Sometimes, you just need help getting there!

    And, I love you!

  5. I tried meds for a few years - was on Paxil. But twice I had to go through withdrawing from it and both times I had headaches and shakes and nausea for like a month, and I swore I'd never put myself through that again. So I really want to try and do it some other way. Therapy is a possibility. I think I want to see how the beginning of next year goes when I make my lifestyle changes and move from there. I'm trying to force myself to slow down and enjoy.

    I mean, when we went to Plymouth I shut off my connection to the world and we just enjoyed ourselves and it was heavenly. Same thing with Disney and Universal (I still have SO many more pictures to post from that trip). I just have to force myself to do it at home, too.

  6. Yeah, I certainly remembered the paxil, and the terrible terrible withdrawal you had! But, if you were better on it, its still worth it, because, you've got your baby now, so you wouldn't need to withdraw again for a long long time (I wouldn't think?)

    Anyway, its definitely not the only option. I just think, the way you're feeling isn't healthy if its out of your control and not making you happy.
    I love all the changes and resolutions you plan to make, and I really do hope it can help you have more positive, less worrying days :-) Because you deserve to be as happy as humanly possible! :-)