I was watching Giuliana and Bill this morning, and it left me a bit sad and reflective.
Before we even started trying for a baby, I just had it in my head that we’d have trouble. I thought it would take forever, and also prepared myself that I was definitely going to miscarry at least once. It took us 7 months, and so far, things are going well.
Digressing for a minute: this made me remember the day we found out I was pregnant. I didn’t have my period yet, but felt like I was getting my period – bloated and crampy. I had to sit down and check my period calendar and list out the lengths of my last 7 cycles to find the average number of days of my cycle, and realized I was two days later than the average. But, I also knew that I wasn’t as late as the longest cycle I’d had, and because I felt like I was getting my period, I just knew I wasn’t pregnant. Brad told me to take the test, so I held my pee all day and when he got home, took the test and left it in the bathroom. I made him go check it. He asked what he was looking for, and I said “two lines.” He said “you mean, like that?”. I was shocked. I honestly thought it would never happen for us.
Anyway, 7 months isn’t a long time, I know. It felt like FOREVER while we were trying though. Each month my period came, I was really bummed out. Trying got tedious, routine, and stressful. The last couple of months we tried a different way of, well, doing it, and just relaxed and had fun. Apparently that worked for us.
The first few weeks, I was so convinced I was going to miscarry, I wore a pad every day. I would run to the bathroom constantly, looking for blood. I haven’t had a drop of blood this whole pregnancy. Even after exams/ultrasounds/sex when I expect to bleed. Nothing. Once I got sick, I stopped fearing miscarriage so much because I was so sick, I figured that was a good sign. Lately, I do find myself getting a little worried when I have days where A.J. hasn’t kicked in awhile, but I now have the heartbeat Doppler so I can check when I feel anxious.
Anyway, back to Giuliana and Bill. I have actually been watching their show and their struggle last season to get pregnant, and I kept watching Giuliana on E! hoping she’d finally get pregnant. I was invested in her struggles. And when I heard about a month ago that they’d had a miscarriage, it truly upset me. I felt so badly for them, because I know how hard they are trying. Now that the show has started the new season, I’ve watched them be told they’re pregnant, and then last week, that they lost the baby.
This week’s episode, they’re dealing with the aftermath of the miscarriage and Giuliana needs time. She’s upset, she’s not sure if she wants to put herself through IVF again. Bill is all “quitters never win and winners never quit” and talking about the nursery in the new house and on and on, and just not giving her time to grieve. At the end of the episode she opens up about her feelings and he says that she can take all the time she needs and even if they never try again, it’s ok with him, so things are better, but I just felt like, such heartbreak for her as I’m watching her cry to a therapist and friends and he’s just not really there supporting her like she needs. I haven’t miscarried, thank God, but I feel like, I have a better understanding of how it might feel having now been pregnant. There is something so different about having a baby inside you.
With me and Brad now – he’s been there for me, supporting me, more than I could have hoped for. But he doesn’t really FEEL what I’m going through. He didn’t feel the constant sickness, just saw the effects and helped me as best he could. He doesn’t feel the fact that even now that I feel better, I don’t feel normal. There’s a physical feeling of being pregnant – I don’t feel physically like I did before I got pregnant. Discomfort at night and achy bellies when the baby is in the wrong spot, peeing all the time, hungry and then full and heartburn and all that stuff. And then feeling the baby kick. He mentally gets it but will never physically get it.
And that just struck home today as I’m watching Bill push Giuliana into trying again right away. She had a baby inside her and lost it. It’s not like falling off a bicycle. There’s a MAJOR difference here and she needs time to just grieve and figure out if she wants to do IVF again – it’s so hard on your body, the shots and medications and egg retrieval. It’s not something to take so lightly like that. I feel like he just doesn’t get it.
I think last night’s 16 and pregnant also brought these thoughts into my head. I’m watching this poor girl in labor for hours, crying and vomiting from the pain, and her boyfriend is asking her why she’s crying. Telling her that this is taking too long, so she just needs to push already (as she’s only 1cm dialated). I mean, this is a far cry from Brad and Bill Rancic, but dammit, these boys just DON’T GET IT. They have no idea what being pregnant means.
I didn’t either, until I started living it. It’s a dramatic change in my life, physically and mentally. It’s crazy. It’s intense.