Fear of everything

The thing is, I'm afraid of everything associated with childbirth.

I'm afraid of my water breaking at work all over my chair or the floor and leaving it for someone else to clean up.

I'm afraid of being induced. For no other reason than I fear it's going to be uncomfortable.

I'm afraid of an epidural (though not opposed to alternative, IV, pain medication) because of the needle in the back.

I'm terrified of a C-Section. While I'll trust my doctors if they think it is necessary, I would prefer to be knocked out under general anethesia. I'm more ok with missing the baby coming out than being awake while they cut me open.

But that leads me to being afraid of the risks of GA.

And while in my ideal birth scenario, labor would be so quick I wouldn't have time to have the epidural, thus eliminating my need to decide, I'm scared of the pain of childbirth.

I'm actually scared the least of the pain of childbirth though. What I mean is, I'm not really afraid, thinking of the pain, when I compare it to all the other fears I have. What I am afraid of is that I am not strong enough to handle the pain, and therefor would need an epidural because I just couldn't handle it.

And even if I planned to go natural...I have no way of knowing if that will be what ends up happening. I think it's easier to go without an epi if you're not induced (i have no basis for this other than things I've read on pregnant). Who can predict if I'd be induced? And who knows what could cause me to have a c-section? I have no way of planning, because it's so up in the air what might happen.

It's scary. And I'm a wimp and a baby and I wish I wasn't so afraid.

1 comment:

  1. I can't really make any useful comment on this post, because.. anything I'd say would sound trite, and I don't want to do that.

    Every woman is afraid. But you rally yourself, and you get through it. And when you come out the other side, you're stronger for it, and you delivered a happy, healthy baby :-)

    But I will say this.. you ARE strong enough to handle the pain. And you can scream as loud as you want :) And honestly, if the pain is so bad that you don't feel like you can handle it, an epidural will seem like a holy gift from above, instead of the scariest thing you can think of!