Epic Post of Doom and Gloom

Seriously, don’t read this if you’re sick of me complaining.

I broke my blush compact this morning. (I wasn’t using blush, I was taking my makeup bag out of the closet and it fell out and cracked). Then, I broke my hand mirror (that came from my dead grandmother). Pieces are still on the bathroom floor since I didn’t have time to clean it up. I’m pretty sure I closed the bathroom door so the cats wouldn’t get at the pieces, but now I can’t be sure. (It’s like that, did I leave the stove on? crap). Of course I feel like the mirror breaking is a sign of bad luck, with the way things have been lately.

Brad slept on the couch again last night. I never ask him to, but it’s easier on me, because if I wake up in the middle of the night, his snoring makes it very hard to get back to sleep. He knows this, so on rough nights (and oh boy was last night a rough one), he voluntarily crashes on the couch.

So, yesterday the acid reflux and indigestion were unbearable. I ended up having to remove my bra while still at work, because I couldn’t handle the pressure. After work, I rushed to Kohl’s, found the most unsexy 42D non underwire bra they had, and bought it. (blech, $24!). Then I came home, and immediately started throwing up my vitamins I’d taken about an hour before. The indigestion was just too much, and I had to let go.

I’m sitting at the table, muscling down some dry toast and a little Gatorade, and Brad arrives. And I immediately burst into tears. Sobbing, uncontrollably. I was just SO uncomfortable. He was very sweet and hugged me and sat with me while I ate, and then hung out on the couch for a bit, until around 9 when I decided I needed to try to sleep (even though I was still in massive pain). I came upstairs, Brad followed, and I started sobbing again. I thanked him for being so nice to me, to which he is always super sweet and says that I don’t need to thank him, that he understands I’m feeling miserable and just wants to help me feel better.

I took a swig of Gaviscon, and then just sat in bed, straight up, watching TV until about 10 pm when I felt tired enough to try to sleep. I started on my side, but that didn’t work. So I ended up, once again, on my back. Clutching my stomach, which, at this point, felt like I was STARVING but I knew better than to try to eat anything, because the second I did, I knew the heartburn would return. So, I just dealt with the hunger pains, and finally fell asleep around 11:30, and managed to make it through the night til 5am when I woke up.

I sipped apple juice from a juice box and that helped me wake up enough, and around 6 I got some food and so far am doing alright this morning.

Honestly, I give all the credit in the world to women who grin and bear it and are happy and positive throughout their pregnancies. For me, it sucks. I’m miserable, and I can’t keep a smile on day after day. It’s only been 3 months. But 3 months of feeling like shit, being so uncomfortable, and not sleeping have worn on me. Last night I just broke down and cried about it. That has happened a couple of times, and it’s usually when I get no sleep the night before. I’m a wimp, and I know it. And sometimes I feel very ashamed about it. I do feel bad for complaining but I just, I need places to vent, because otherwise I’m going to lose my mind.

I never want anyone to think I don’t want this baby. I want it very badly. I love it already, and I know when he or she makes their appearance, I’m going to be SO damn happy. But, I won’t forget all this that I’ve been going through, or how miserable I’ve been. I will not get pregnant ever again. I admire women who have more than one baby, but pregnancy is SO not for me. I’m doing my best to keep this baby healthy by eating and drinking as best as I can, and I promise, I’m going to love it so much. I just wish I could press a fast forward button and have it be here already.

Alright, enough complaining for today.

Brad’s mom called him yesterday, and I guess she and some of her local family want to throw me an absentee baby shower. Something like, they’ll bring all the gifts unwrapped and wrap them at the party. Hey, I’m not complaining, if they want to do that, great. His mom is in California, so she most likely won’t be around to attend the shower here, though I’ll make sure she’s invited anyway. It’s very nice of her to do that, and unexpected. I have no idea how they plan to get the gifts out here though ;)

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